(awkward and awesome)

(awkward and awesome)
First Wive's Club...one of Ma's favorites

Friday, December 14, 2012

For What Could Have Been

Today, most vile evil came upon some poor little angel babies.  They couldn't even defend themselves.  They must've been so scared.  It's so futile, I know, but I wish I could've done something to help them.  It doesn't matter that it's not possible.  I still wish it.  Parents shouldn't have to bury their children, and children shouldn't be afraid of school.  It's simply vile and wrong and evil.

My fear is that this horror will be used only to promote the kind of gun control that will turn honest and good men into criminals and make illegal gun runners very rich.  That's also wrong.  If one is bent on committing evil, one will do it on either side of the law.

I'm finding it hard to sleep.  I weep for those angel babies.  I didn't know them, and in all probability, I never would.  Still, I weep for what could have been. The doctors, lawyers, plumbers, artists, humanitarians, explorers, comedians, firefighters that were lost to evil on this day.  The great things they might have done.  The great parents they might have made.  The better world we might have lived in...all stolen from us...

Lord Jesus, bring comfort to these shattered heart and lives; protect us from such evil; heal the poor demented minds that would do such things; show us Your light on this very dark day....Photobucket

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Time for Personal Growth...Are You Kidding Me?

NO!  No I'm not!

Yeah, see, here's the thing about growing as a person:  you have to do things you never wanted to do...as in ever.  Why do you have to do them?  Because Life demands it.  That's right.  The great, all powerful force known as Life demands that you now perform an act of Are-You-Kidding-Me? by throwing you into circumstances that you cannot avoid.

Things like, your car breaking down 45 minutes from your house as you travel home from a rather fun Thanksgiving with family.  Now, what's really great is you've had coffee.  It was so good.  Now, it's bitterness makes itself known as you are stranded miles from a bathroom, and you, by no means, are an outdoorsy kinda girl.  You are the kind of girl who camps at the Holiday Inn.  Life giggles and taps its fingertips together in anticipation.  The show is about to start.  More giggling.  Because sometimes Life is a total butt munch.

Okay, so there I am.  In pain.  Waiting for the tow truck guy.  My MIL, who is officially our knight in shining armor and shall henceforth be known as Lady Momsalot, has come to pick us up because the munchies are cold and getting very bored.  The woods by the car are so thick, you have to hike up into them with a sherpa.  I can barely stand.  Time to get creative...and humble...and horrified...and scarred for life...and grow as a person.

I open the front door (and no, the light WILL. NOT. TURN. OFF.) and the back door, drape a blanket between them and balance.  For a split second, I could almost pretend I was in a public restroom.  (It was shockingly similar actually..when you think about it..whoa...)  Almost...until the blanket fell.  Nope.  On the side of the road.  Peeing while praying truckers don't notice the full moon as they pass on by.  Personal. Growth.

 I don't think I had ever felt like kicking Life in the groin until that moment, but in that moment, I sure did.  And those are the Are-You-Kidding-Me? moments when you have to be a grown-up and do what has to be done even though you really don't want to.  If you don't, Life just points and laughs like the butt munch lint licker it likes to be sometimes.  Doing what you gotta do is the kidney shot that wipes the smug smile off Life's face.  While Life is in pain, trying to breathe, you say, "Boo-yah Life!  Peeing on the side of the road...like a boss!  Yeah!  In. Your. Butt Munch. FACE!"  That's when you kick Life, so it knows you mean it!  You do it with flair too, but you have grown as a person.  That's right.  Personal growth.  It's gonna happen so be ready.
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Saturday, November 10, 2012

Wait...How Old Am I?

Holy crap, y'all.  I was up until one o'clock...in the morning.  What the...?  I have no business staying up that late.  Not when my alarm clocks go off at 6 am wanting to be fed...again.  Like they didn't eat the night before.  Whiners.  Nothing make me actually feel all of my 35 years like not getting enough sleep.  I just can't do it.  I shouldn't do it.  I don't need to up that late.  I have nothing to prove.  I just don't.  So needless to say, I was not at my sunny side up best today.  I just can't seem to recover from tired.  I think that's why people take naps later in life.  Just trying to recover.  I have so much less grace with nonsense and drama, especially in adults.  I can handle the kid stuff because kids are kids and they are still trying to figure all of this life mess out.  If you are an adult, get it under control.  If you can't handle your own business, I can't do it for you.  Take it to Jesus.  I'm trying to figure my own business out.  That's why we should all mind our own business because we can only successfully deal with so much.  If you can't handle your spouse, what makes you think I can?  If you can't handle your kid, well, neither can I.  Take it to Jesus; He's got answers not me.  Plus, He doesn't need to sleep being God and all, so He's got a lot more....everything.  Jesus has much more everything than I will ever have, so leave me alone.  I'm tired, and I don't care.  Forgive me, but I don't.  Let me take a nap, and then maybe some care-about-that will fall out on the pillow.  I know I did it to myself.  Still fair warning y'all.  If it ain't life or death,  I don't care.  You're not gonna like my response because I'm all out of sugar for coating.  Plus, I've reached this point where I realize there are a select few people who's opinion have actual sway with me.  If you think I'm a cranky old lady, I couldn't care less...get outta here before I kick you.  Yeah...went there.  Meant it.  I'm feeling the Spirit of Slap arising in me for no apparent reason.  I might be my own drama for the night, so I'm taking my tired badonkeydonk to bed.  (Watch me read this tomorrow and face palm.  "Who let me type this?") Photobucket

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

We Be Crazy Up In My House

I just got back from visiting my family.  Nothing like going home...if you actually LIKE home that is.  And I do.  I like my mom and dad's place.  They might make me insane mad sometimes, but like the cat says, "We're all mad here."  That being said, I began thinking about why I like my family despite our brand of Crazy Sauce.

1)  I look like them.  (Well, duh, Jen.  You do swim in the same gene pool.) I know.  And all the Bettys in this pool are H.O.T.!  But I digress.  We are all Amazons.  Even the short ones are really tall.  It's just nice to feel normal.

2)  They don't talk loud in the morning.  Why?  Because we have evolved past the need for human speech in the morning.  We can communicate without it until like 10 am.  These people are amazing.

3)  We all laugh and giggle at the same stuff.  You want to know why I am as I am?  Meet my family!  We are so much fun.  I mean really fun because we can laugh at ourselves.  We don't even have to be drunk to have a good time.  All we need is a card game and some snacks.  Think about it.  A bunch of people like me only louder.  Aw yeah, get it get it!  Actually, I think I might have just scared some of you.

4)  Some things don't change, and those are the thing that make going home, well, going home.  Mom's house smells clean.  The screen saver on the Mac is a slide show of family pictures.  There is something Christmasy somewhere all year long.  Use coasters.  Always say "I love you." when you leave the house.  I am NOT to big for my mom to spank.

5)  My family always has my best at heart.  We don't always get along or agree or find each other all that smart.  That doesn't matter.  It doesn't break us.  We are a team.  We get through stuff.  We love each other, and we forgive though we are not prone to forget.  We are there for each other,  and hurting one of us means you want the rest of us to hurt you.  Yup.  We be crazy up in momma's house, but we are crazy for each other.  That's what makes it fun, and that's what makes it home.    Photobucket

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

And Now I'm Over My Hissy Fit..Well, For Now...

So my sister asks, "Hey.  What ever happened to your Suck It Up Saturdays?"  So I told her.  What had happened was...

Bear noticed there was a crack in our scale.  We bought a really cheap one, so it's really not a surprise that it didn't last long.  We get a new professional one.  We zero it out.  We are ready to go.  Now, I'm thinking that maybe the reason I have hit a plateau with my old scale is because it's broken, and maybe I actually weight less.  

Bear gets on the scale.  It reads that he weights 30 lbs LESS.  Are you kidding me?  This was great for him because it gave him a boost to keep going with his own weight loss efforts.  I'm all WOOOOP!

I get on the scale.  It reads that I weigh 12 lbs MORE.  (Insert the profanity of your choice here)

Are. you. kidding. me?!

Not only am I heavier than I thought, but I don't even know where I started from really.  If the scale was that broken to read him heavier and me lighter that I have no real beginning weight.  How flippin' fat was I to begin with?  I don't really know, and because I don't, I don't really know how much I've actually lost.  It was like all that work I did was for 0 results.  Yes, I did lose weight.  My clothes are more loose.  People tell me they notice a difference.  I get that.  Here's the thing.  I've been in pain for the past 3 months now training for this half marathon.  I hurt all the time.  It's not fun.  I don't like working out; I never have.  I do it because I like the results, and I want to finish this diva walk.  I can't even say, "This sucks, but I've lost ____ lbs at least."  I don't have that.  Basically, it's starting over.  

So I was mad for two weeks.  Still worked out but didn't do WW or anything like that.  Bear finally said what I needed to hear.  "Keep going or quit.  And since you're not much of a quitter, I guess you're going to keep going."  So onward my friends.  Starting over.  Putting on those big girl panties of mine and getting on with it.
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Friday, August 31, 2012

I am SO not like that

If you find yourself saying the title of this blog, then yeah, yeah you most likely are just. like. that.  Sorry about your luck.

It's becoming more and more apparent to me as I roll on in this life that people really haven't met themselves.  When they describe themselves, you kinda look awkwardly around the room and think, "Who are they talking about?  Are they describing some distant relative with which whom they share a name?"  I'm not going the route of wish-this-person-knew-they-were-a-jerk.  It's more like, the more aware you are of you, the better YOU you can become.  The more you know you, the more you can appreciate the people who love you enough to deal with you on a daily basis.  My awesome sauce parents taught us self awareness at early age most likely due to the fact that we lived overseas and were not allowed to act like chickenheads.

Now for the fun part.  Test yourself.  Do you know you?

1)  Are you fully aware of your body type and how it effects you now and in the future?  I'm fat right now.  I'm working on it.  Found out my scale was broken, so I know feel as if I have to start all over as I don't really have an accurate knowledge of how far I've come.  As frustrated as I am, I know that giving up means I'm going the path of being the lady in the muumuu in the electronic cart at Walmart.  That lady is probably very nice, but I want to walk as long as I can on my own thanks.  This body I'm hauling now isn't going to haul it forever.  Gotta lighten the load.  If your load is already light, are you eating right and making healthy choices?  Think on it.

2)  Are you realistic about your personalities strengths and weaknesses?  Are you really funny or just sarcastic?  Are you really sweet or sour?  Do people really want to hang out with you or are your invites out of obligation?  Are you assertive or a jerk?  Are confrontational when you need to be or bossy diva who wants her own way all the time?  IF you don't know, ask.  Seriously.  Ask someone you know will not flake out on you and gush, but someone who will lay it out whether you like it or not.  Make sure this person is someone who won't take your moment of vulnerability and smash you like a pinata.  You don't need that.  Not helpful.  You are looking for insight not verbal battery.  If you don't want to ask a person, ask God.  Pray. He made you.  He's got the blueprints.  He knows.

3)  Do you  know your person boundaries?  I know most of mine.  My folks were also good about boundaries.  If you don't know how far you can go or how much you can take or what you just can't take,  people are going to upset you and/or take advantage.  If you don't like your kids tugging on your clothes, let them know and enforce the boundary.  My good buddies know this:  don't be too pushy with me, don't touch my face, don't take food off my plate unless I say it's okay and messing with my babies is basically asking me to hurt you in very painful ways.  I very much appreciate people being on time, keeping their sex lives to themselves, and treating my girls like every body else despite their size and communication delays.  I get along with a lot of people because I try not to cross their lines and vice versa.  Boundaries people.

So, be aware of you.  Being you is the one job on the whole Earth that only you can do, so you might as well rock at it!
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Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Symptoms and The Rules

 
I was talking on the phone with a most fabu person, and this person said that her problem with churchy people is that they have so many rules for being an actual believer in God.

I hear that.

Let me be clear.  To be a Christian, the Bible says you have to believe that Jesus died for your sins, you are sorry and seek forgiveness for these bad things you've done, and you want Jesus to guide your life so that you don't continue to do these bad things that hurt yourself or others.  That's it.  Everybody got that?  I'll get to the rule thing in a mo...

Now, how can you tell if someone has made this life choice?  The same way you know if you have a cold: by the symptoms.  If you suddenly find your life long drinking, cussing, sleeping-with-anything-that-moves buddy is cutting down on such things until they are now Cola drinking, not so cussy, trying to respect themselves enough not to cheapen themselves and others with meaningless sex friend, you are looking at some symptoms.  This person is changing and showing signs of living a Christian life.  Symptoms.  Likewise, your "Christian" brother is lying on his taxes, talking seductively with women (or men, you never know) on line or in person, but are "faithful" to their spouse, and they have a tendency to treat service people like something they should scrap off their shoe, they are showing signs of living a most un-Godly life.  Again, symptoms.

Many times, a person who is really trying to live in a manner that is pleasing to the Lord, following the Bible, listening to others who actually follow the Bible isn't following rules.  They are just showing symptoms of Christianity.  That's all.

Back at the rabbit trail:  Unlike cold symptoms which are meant to warm and keep people away, these symptoms should be attracting people.  Kindness, love, helpfulness, courage and faithfulness are strong attractions.  If you're not attracting people, maybe your Christianity has cold.  Also, if people aren't saying, "Well, duh, Jen's a Christian." by my ACTIONS rather than my words, that's a symptom that I need to be getting it together.

Now as to the rules.  Yes, there are guidelines for Godly living in the Bible which by having a healthy love and fear for the Lord, you're gonna WANT to do as a Christian.  If you don't like rules, well sorry about your luck.  Civilized life has rules that benefit you.  So if you're all like, "Rules suck.", I'm sure you won't mind when someone steals your car.  Thieves think rules suck too.  I digress.

I give you the example of one of the best basketball player ever:  Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls.  He was an amazing player, and you know what helped him be so?  He knew the rules.  He could be so great and amazing because he knew the rules and used them to become legendary.  The same applies with God.  He doesn't want to limit you.  Those rules are for your protection, and so that by knowing them and playing the game well, your life and legacy is legendary.

To reference a previous post, while the rules apply to ALL believers, you need to make sure YOU are playing by the rules before you start telling others they are fouling out of the game.  Got that?

Oh and wanting to know and follow the rules, are symptoms of Christianity too.  I hope that clears things up.  Leave all comments and questions below.  I'd love to know what you think.
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Friday, August 3, 2012

I'm Sure I Missed Something Somewhere at Some Time...

Aren't they cute?  Get a good look because they might not survive the summer break...and it's almost over!  Some where along the way I have failed in teaching my children how to consider others.

Example:  I don't like people touching my face.  I don't know why; it's a personal boundary none the less.  I didn't even like them touching my face as babies, and I strong discouraged it.  So do tell me if you can, why is it that my children see me asleep (as in taking a nap because Daddy's home and I can or maybe it's 6 am and OBVIOUSLY I should be up by now) and they come up to me and poke my face to wake me.  Poke. My. Face.  They know I don't like my face touched.  I've heard them tell each other not to touch Mommy's face.  And yet, and YET....they are poking me in the face to wake me up.  This is when I turn into a honey badger and guess what I'm not giving as I proceed to yell at my kids.  Now, this happens at least 3 times a week.  It's not like they are unaware of what's gonna happen next.  They aren't even surprised when I yell.  I can almost see their thought bubbles.  "Yup.  Poked her face....and she's awake.  I know because her eyes are open and red with lazer vision and deep breathe...and yell.  Okay good.  That was a successful run".  It's madness.

I remember steering very clear of my ma when she was sleeping and definitely NOT doing things that made her Hulk out if I could at all help it.  I realize now as a parent that's what consideration is.  Doing or not doing things to others that help them be the best they can be.  How do I teach this?  How did I not teach this?  We talk about such things all the time.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.  Is it really that hard?  Why won't they stop touching my bloody face when I'm trying to sleep for the love of all things good and holy?  Why?  WHY?

Where the frick is that squirrel when I need to kick him?!  AAARRRGGG!
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Thursday, July 26, 2012

This One is Serious...Chick-Fil-A Making a Stand Serious

Here I go.  Please hold your offense until you read the ENTIRE post if you would.

I am shocked and dismayed that Chick-Fil-A is being so blasted by just about everyone.  This gives me serious pause as to what really constitutes ones right to free speech today.  I have kids.  Their future is being formed by these events.

Chick-fil-A has had ties to the church since it's creation, so why is everyone surprised that they support causes that coincide with Biblical beliefs?  Let me tell you why I think this.

Christians tend to forget one very important thing from time to time.  The Bible is a book for Christian living.  It spells out how CHRISTIANS are supposed to behave.  I am a Christian.  The Bible says that we are all going to be judged (by God, not men) so I need to read that Bible and live as a person honoring the Lord.  In other words, I need to worry about ME and what I'M doing.  I shouldn't be focusing on the messed up-ness of others because I'm mess enough.  If someone doesn't claim Jesus, and they are doing things contrary to what the Bible says you should or should not do, I will pray for them.  I won't say what they're doing is okay.  I won't participate.  I won't gossip about them behind their back.  I will, however, still be their friend, and I will still love them.

I don't know why being gay is such a big deal at present.  I can only guesstimate that maybe it goes back the original AIDS epidemic and the fear and the panic it caused.  There are a lot of other things the Bible says that we shouldn't do that seems to be overlooked in the light of gay issue.  Things like don't have sex before marriage, don't drink to access, don't be a glutton, don't gossip...don't judge.  You know why you don't judge?  Because of the mess that makes up you.  I've never done drugs,didn't have sex before marriage, been drunk but rarely but I still have plenty to answer for.

I will be 100% honest with you.  I don't understand all the rules in the Bible.  I'm a romantic.  I'm not against one person loving another.  I can only say that if God put a limitation there, He did it for a reason.  I don't hate gay people.  I know some very awesome people who just happen to be gay.  I cannot say that I behind same sex marriage because the Bible says it's not okay, but I cannot say that I'm complete against it because of that ol' romantic thing.  I'm most conflicted, and when I am, I side with the word of God.

Back to the Bible is map for Christian living.  If you are professing to be a Christian and you are gay, all I can say is you need to seriously seek God in that situation.  I don't know what you're going through because women don't tempt me. (Gluttony does.  Pies are sexy dang it.)  I won't tell you it's okay, but that you need to seek the Lord with an open mind and heart.  That's really all I can say about it except I'll pray for you and let's get coffee sometime.

As for being so crazy about Chick-fil-A expressing their right to free speech to believe and practice what ever religion they want, we have lost our minds.  People want a personification to beat up on for all those hateful things people have said to them.  It's Chick-fil-a.  I applaud everyone who stands up for themselves even when it's most likely a losing battle, and I applaud Chick-fil-A for not bowing when it would've been oh so easy to do so.

Now if you are one of those awesome gay people I mentioned earlier, I loves you.  I really do.  I don't judge you for who you sleep with.  That is between you and God.  I got me and 3 munchies to account for...at least until they are old enough to account for themselves.  I don't have time to judge you; it's not my job.  That being said, neither will I judge Chick-fil-A.

I'm done now...be mad at me if you like.  I meant what I said and I said what I meant.

Monday, July 23, 2012

What Did I Just Step In?

Soooooo...what did I just do?  Well, I got my ma and sister all excited about this Diva Marathon and now it is a family event.  Oh yeah.  No backing out now.  Not that I was planning on backing out, but now my house has to burn down before I can miss it.  I think that's a good thing though.    I'm looking forward to the training even.  I don't want to be where I am, so maybe this will be the key.  Trying something new is good for ya...right?

In other news, my baby is turning 5 tomorrow.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  She's officially not a baby now.  I don't have a baby in the house.  I don't want a baby in the house; I like my big girls.  I think that's what it is:  I want right now to stay right now.  It can't, and that sucks.  It's the ending of this parenting chapter.  Sigh.  Children are meant to grow up, but man, it stings some days.  Today is stingy.  Tomorrow there will be cake.  So, hey I got that.  Cake. Sigh.  Cake is good.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

And Now...

Hey Jen, why the picture of Darcy from BBC's Pride and Prejudice?  Because it's Tuesday, and this scene is awesome!  What?!

Right now we are at the part of summer break when we terrorize our siblings for amusement.  Good times.  So I thought I'd ask my question while there is a lull in the madness...I have about 5.3 minutes tops.

While this blog is what helps keep me put together, it's not just for me.  One of the main reasons I do this is to encourage others with my life adventures and the crazy stuff that happens around here.  You're not the only one with crazy kids, weird family and messed up friends.  I got a bucket of 'em.  They're fun on the holidays.  I digress.  The point is, what kind of stuff do you want to see?  More stories about the kids?  How I'm dealing with the Florida ESE system?  How to's?  Snippets from my stories?  A Vlog so you can hear the crazy from my own two lips?  What say you?


Now for something really big...for me anyway.  As many of you know, I don't run.  I walk.  I get balked at by runners for this, but at least I'm moving it.  Go open yourself a can of ZipIt and enjoy.  My cuz-in-law, who's weight loss venture you can follow by checking out her blog I Am My Alter Ego, told me about an all ladies half marathon in SC, next year that she thinks we should do together.  I said heck yes.  Why did I do this?  Because you get a tiara and a feather boa at the finish line.  Good health and long life?  Eh.  Look good in a swimsuit?  Seeing as how I'm pretty enough as is, not a motivator.  A sparkly tiara?  Let's do this.  I'm researching how to train and I'm walking as much as I can.  Believe it.  Now that all y'all know, no take backs.

Leave a comment and tell me what you what you think my peeps!

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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Under Constuction

That phrase just means so much in so many different ways right now.  I'm really having to think about things and about how I want the rest of my life to go.  I mean, I'm 35.  Honestly, I believe I've been blessed with the life I've been given so far, but I want to be sure that I'm not missing the boat on those plans for a hope and a future the Lord has for me.

First of all, I need to really think about my days and what I want to accomplish in them.  I've started making a to do list.  Little, every day goals to be accomplished.  I'm also working on bigger goals to print and put on office wall, so that I can see them, and make sure that I'm doing something everyday to accomplish them.  If you're reading this thinking, "Well duh, Sherlock."  Bite me.  I'm busy reconstructing my way of thinking, and that's really hard.  It's hard to climb out of ruts and make mental U-turns.  Give a girl some grace.

Secondly, I need to tell you what I'm up to more often.  This means more writing for me and more funny stuff for you guys.  It also means that I have a lot to learn about having a really cool looking blog page so you want to keep coming back the see what's shaking at the Rabbit Trail.  This is not easy for me.  I changed some HTML code, and you would've thought I just saved someone life with brain surgery.  True story.  Man,  I should've paid better attention in Web Design class, but this really hot guy did a lot of my work for me, and because he was hot, I let him.  Don't worry.  I let him marry me as compensation.  Did he get a sweet deal or what?  If you're sitting there thinking. "What"  Bite me.

So, in the end.  I'm going to kicking my Cotton Candy Awesome Sauce up a notch.  Let me know if there is something you'd like to see.  Remember, that I am a family friendly blog.  If you're sitting there thinking, "I know what I'd like to see.."  Get off my blog and don't come back, ya sicko!  I've got more to blog, but I got sick puppies to tend to.  See you tomorrow maybe.

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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Who...Who Is This Guy?

So I'm minding my own business...wasting my own time on Facebook when I catch a glimpse of how many people I am friends with.  Over 300.  I don't have 300 friends!  What?!  That can't be right. Lo and forsooth, it most certainly is.  I'll just have to unfriend some people.  Well now, that's so much easier said than done.  I just kept scrolling through and  finding myself more indecisive than when I'm at the Milton Bakery.

Back at the Rabbit Trail:  The Milton Bakery is a magical land full of sugary, floury goodness and light.  I'm pretty sure that God has blessed these folks with unnatural baking awesomeness.  Pretty darn sure.

I had to make myself some guidelines because I was feeling so mean and hateful.  The word "unfriend" is so...unfriendly.  May these help you out as well if you find yourself in need of them.

1)  If I recognize the face, but not the name or how I ever met the person  to begin with, out ya go.
2)  If you are my friend's husband.  Here's the deal, if you are the spouse of my friend, I am cordial to you in person, but I don't talk to you on Facebook.  I'm chatting with my friend not you.  Why did I friend you in the first place?  Probably because I didn't want to seem unfriendly to you thus making my friend miffy at me.
3)  If I knew you in high school or college, but now we never chat, call, or really even visit each other's pages, yeah...I wish you well, old friend.  If we, neither of us, feel the urge to even put in the effort of "liking" each other's statuses, the clue phone is a-ringing.
4)  If I know you now, but we our conversations are more accidental then intentional and then, not of much substance, it's not that I don't like you, but we're not really friends.  We are barely aquaintances.  We might not NOT like each other, but we obviously don't want to invest any effort into the friendship.  So...yeah.
5)  All family stays.  We might be distant cousins, but family is family and unless you hurt me, my kids or my husband, you stay.  We might irritate each other, but God has ordained it to be.  So, you're stuck with me like those expensive boots you bought that you never wear because they hurt so much but they cost too much to throw out.  Family is stronger then painful footwear.

So if you caught this on Facebook, well guess you made it through and now you and Balki Bartokomous can do the dance of joy!  Honestly, I don't think the people who've been Un-Friended will even notice, and if they do, not for awhile.  I don't even think they'll care.  I guess we'll see.  And now, back to the real world.

Back at the Rabbit Trail:  If you don't know who Balki Bartokomous is, Goggle it, Youngin'! Geez!  Balki rocks.  

Friday, June 22, 2012

In An Attempt to Cross Something Off of My To-Do List....

I'm writing on my blog!

Okay, so I'm down 20 lbs., and I thought that I would feel different...more accomplished I guess.  I don't know.  It just feels like I have so much further to go.  Could just be today.  You ever have one of those days  when it feels like the world is blowing you off and you're not sure why.  You start asking yourself, "Did I say something mean behind the World's back, and then forgot I said it?"  And then you revert to high school with visions of all your friends hanging out with each other and ignoring your calls even though it's really not even possible for that to be happening.  You stop in mid-daydream of all the fun they are having with out you and think "What in the world is your problem?"  You get mad at you, shake your head, and you know it's dumb, but that's just how your feel.  That'd be just about how my day is going.

There is also the news that I'm not renewing with Premier Designs.  I'm really sad about it to be honest.  The company is fabu, and I'm ruined for all other jewelry forever.  It's just time to move on to the next big thing.  What is that?  Well, let me get over this big thing first.  I'll miss the people the most; Premier has the best people ever.  They love the Lord, and they are so giving and encouraging and .... sigh...I'm just really sad about it.  

In weird news, I found a bumper buried in my backyard.  I tried to dig up this "little" piece of metal so Bear wouldn't hit it while mowing the grass.  As Dad says, no good deed goes unpunished.  So now I'm digging up a bumper out of my backyard.  How many Weight Watcher activity points do I get for that I wonder?

At any rate, hope y'all have a wonderful week-end!  Have some fun for me...unless you're with all my friends and ignoring my calls and if that's the case, I hope y'all spill your Starbucks before you even get one sip!  Oh yeah...I went there...

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Results Thus Far...

Sorry no pic...couldn't find one I liked.  Anyway....

So we had the IEP.  Very interesting stuff.  The mood was very she's-gone-all-crazy-white-lady-make-it-stop. It was very obvious they were trying to calm me down.  We laid out our concerns.  They answered them, and for the most part we are satisfied that #2 will continue to get the education she needs to be getting.  Apparently, even though the test says she's not smart, they think that's just the Autism talking and that she's plenty able to learn.  They just gave her that test to rule some things out.  Uh-huh.  Ooookay.  Always ask exactly what kinds of tests they will give your kids.  Always and exactly.  The one little bit I'm not satisfied with will be addressed in the fall after I've had time to research it.  No biggie.  I do still tend to lodge an official complaint against the good doctor because even though he was the nicest he's ever been to date, it doesn't excuse his past behavior.  Not to mention, I wonder how he might have acted had I not raised such a rabble. We do intend to have her re-tested by someone else next year.  I also did point out that if the doc hadn't missed the meeting all of this could've been avoided.  It's sad that I even have to work this hard to make it work, you know?  Why do ESE parents have to make so much noise to get their kids the right help and the proper tools?  My kid isn't more special then anyone else's...she just takes more time.  So that's it.  Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes.  Your support of my sugar-pop means so much more to me than I could ever ever express.  Thank you.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Brief Briefing




I really didn't know what else to put on here today.  Just wanted to give you guys an update.  I am getting all my ducks in a row for the next IEP for #2 which is next Monday so do be in prayer for that.  Also, I've lost a total of 17 lbs so far.  Yay!  That's 5% of my body weight so far.  I don't think I look any different but I almost lost my bathing suit several times at the river.  It's now too big.  Now I have to go bathing suit shopping...which seems more like a punishment then a reward.  Shopping for a bathing suit kinda...sucks.  It just does.  Anyway, that's it back at the El HiraLina.  Y'all be good now...or good-ish at least.

Friday, May 25, 2012

We Are Not Amused

Understand that this blog is part of my coping/processing...process. So do bear with me.

Yesterday, #2 has been psycho evaluated to have Autistic Spectrum Disorder. This is not news. It's not even uncommon. I know that she has problems communicating. I know that she doesn't behave the way most children do. I have often thought of her as a kitten in a room full puppies. She's little like they are, soft, cuddly, in need of love and food. But she doesn't act, speak or do things like they do. That's fine. Well, most of the time it's fine. I was actually fine with most of the evaluation.

 Most of it.

The school psychologist, Dr. Diehl, did not make the meeting for reasons unknown. I thought the room seemed off, but there was joking and such, so I began to think it was just me. I was glad, at the time, he had not shown up. He has a way of putting things that makes me feel rather on edge and defensive. It's his tone and turn of phrase. I'm not saying he's bad at his job. In my opinion, he should watch his phrase-ology. I thought the weirdness might have been just me being tense about his being there and then he wasn't so I stressed over nothing. We continue...

Alternate assessment was brought up again. For those of you who don't know, Alternate Assessment is another FL state diploma track which children with learning disabilities can have. These kids take tests that aren't as hard, but in the fine print, you see that such a diploma means they can't even sign up for military service. This was brought up before, and I declined it. I wondered why it was being brought up again. I believe it had something to do with Dr. Diehl's summary which we will get to.

We didn't go over the eval as the man wasn't there to do so, and I read it myself best I could last night. That is when I turned into this:



The summary states: full scale IQ is 68, extremely low, and represents the best estimate of intellectual ability at this time. Comprehension was a significant weakness.

As you might imagine, I said and thought things us good, Christian woman are supposed to be above...I am not, apparently.

Now. My child may not be a genius, but she certainly has at least an average IQ. Her comprehension is not a question. She understands so much more than she gets credit for. The thing is with a lot of autistic kids is they know things and understand them and how to do them. They just don't care if you know they do. If they don't want to do the test, they won't unless they care about the consequence.

I know they have to go by what the test say. She didn't finish half of them. Maybe she didn't know some the stuff, maybe she did. I say screw that test. I know my kid. She is not more dumb than Forrest Gump. We are requesting to have her re-evaluated by some one else. I positively rebuke, refuse and deny any test result that says Cahira Michelle Easley isn't smart.

Tell me she has communication issues. I know.
Tell me she has behavior problems. No kidding.
Tell me she has Autistic Spectrum Disorder.  If you say so.
Tell me she's not bright. Screw you.

I'm beginning to think it was a very good thing the doctor did NOT show up yesterday. I'm rather sure I might not have been so polite, controlled or ladylike. Rather sure indeed.  After all, we Easley girls seem to have a problem behaving.

Monday, May 21, 2012

As a Dog...

Oh me. Oh my.  I feel like I'm gonna...yup, yup, that's what I'm gonna do.  And on the night we had tacos for dinner...what a waste of tasty awesomeness.  I mean really.  I can't get sick on a grilled cheese night.  Well, that would also be a waste of yumminess, so my statement is invalid.  The worst part is we can't figure out what I ate that made me such.  No one else got sick.  Bear made a healthier taco with corn tortillas, ground turkey and fresh everything.  Everyone else is happy and keeping their dinner down.  As bad as it was, it's not like I'm off tacos for life.  I mean honestly.  The person who invented the taco is a culinary genius.  To NOT eat tacos would be an abomination.  How rude.  I'm better this morning, but I'm honestly afraid to eat.  I'm about to try cereal.  

You forget how truly awful it is to vomit until your head is in the hopper.  It's just terrible.  The dog even walked by and was all, "Sucks for you, bro.  I'll be thinking of you while I chew my feet and then bark for no reason."  The cat walks by, "Know that your illness will not effect your duties, Minion.  I expect to be fed and adored on schedule.  Just the sight of me should have you feeling better already.  You are welcome."  It's so suck-tastic.  Bear even tried to let me sleep in today, but the girls would have none of it.  They lost their minds this morning.  So great.  It's cool though.  I know moms rarely get sick days, and hey, I can walk so things are looking up.  Anyway, here's wishing you a vomit free day whether it be you or someone else.  

Viva Buymoria.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

And The Drama, She Finds Me

Yep. Yep. Yep. Drama has filled my days. It began a week ago, when I couldn't find the CD of professional pictures we took of the girls. I was supposed get some printed out for Mother's Day. Didn't happen.

Back at the Rabbit Trail: the pics were originally taken as a Father's Day surprise for Bear. He, being not stupid, figured it out when upon returning from the photo shoot, the girls said. "Daddy! We did NOT just go get our picture taken. And we DIDN'T do it for Father's Day!" It was cryptic to be sure, but he figured it out.

Then, on our way to see the in-laws for Mother's Day, the brakes went out. Yeah, it's just like in the movies. "Holy Bleep! The brakes are out!" Except in real life, there are no stunt doubles and your kids are in the car. And you have a panic attack because you can't get the image of a rolled van and bloodied bodies out of your mind. Over-active imaginations suck.

Then when we take the van in, it's gonna cost $4,000 to repair. In the words of Wayne: "A sphincter says what?" So yeah, we have a new car. It's a used Taurus in great shape, and as an added bonus, because of bumper stickers, we are now New Orleans Saints fans. The things you discover about yourself when getting a new car. The stickers stay until we can get something just so I can find the car when at Wal-Mart.

#1 has a science project due

#2 has hidden bits of homework all over the house in odd little cubby hole. As I'm finding them she has at least 10 assignments due...what. the. farkle? I guess ESE kids get a little slack. Unless it's from me. No slack from Mom. Mom says you die Small One...you die because I love you and you need to do your homework!

#3 got sick and has been pitiful and ri-dic-u-lous. Seriously, she wanted me to carry her because her tongue hurt. What? No. Just. No.

The big man has been at work until all hours due to a new system launching and trying to get the car situation taken care of. Honestly, I'm done. I still have a day of errands ahead of me. One of them is applying for a week-end job at my favorite store, so wish me luck.

Bright sides of all the madness include: we didn't die in fireball on Hwy. 90; we have a newer car; my kids yet live; Bear is home while I leave to be ALONE.; also I have a Simple Said party at 2pm with Bama Mamma and I honestly cannot wait because she is so much fun. Check it out for yourself: www.simplysaiddesigns.com. So cool. If you want some of the coolness: Teresa Perkins is your girl.

As for losing weight, last week I gained 2 lbs. I went back to not eating breakfast, and I didn't eat as much fruit. This week I lost 4 lbs. I am 1 lb. away from my first goal weight in Weight Watcher. So eat breakfast and apples!

And now I bathe, put on a good bra and venture forth to Carpe the Mess Out of This Diem!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

So Gross, And Yet, So Encouraging


According to the scales, I lost 5 lbs. Just this week. Now, I'm not sure how I did this amazing thing, but WW did say that is more than you are supposed to be losing. 2-3 lbs a week is most healthy. That makes sense. It's about getting the body better fuel and working better. I mean looking better is nice too, but let's face it, I'm hot the way I am. If I get any hotter, I'll be triplets. Ow. Just saying.

So, I'm not thinking that this kind of weight loss is going to happen every week, but I'll take it. My clothes are fitting the same, so maybe I'll start tracking my measurements next.

Now for something completely random: While Bear was playing a game on-line, I watched a K-pop video. I do not understand Asian Couture ... that or the band lost a bet with the stylist and that's what happened. Must be a cultural difference. Anyway....

I found this, and it made me feel better about all I'm doing for my weight loss efforts. I hope you find it encouraging too.  It's really gross to look at, but that is what is on the inside of your body.  That's what that lumpy stuff really looks like.  Gross.  I got more lumps to go.

Source: fitmamato3.com via Jen on Pinterest

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Down By 6

Gold star for Jen! That's what Weight Watchers gives you when you lose your first 5 pounds. At 35, gold stars still work. Heck yes. I am now down by 6 lbs. I can't kick. Still working out the cooking thing. If you like to cook, I don't understand you, but I'm willing to like you anyway.

Also, my good friend Vic would have you believe that I don't eat. This is untrue. I eat much more now. Listen to her not. I'm better after two weeks of tracking what I eat.

I learned something new about Jen this week. I'm not a stress eater. Quite the opposite. When stressed, I don't want to eat. I just want to take care of the problem. Eating is not priority. The rough/busy days with the kids are the days I have the hardest time keeping up with my points. I will have to learn how to manage that. And that's about it.

Now for my story. I don't know if it's funny, but I was impressed. I am giving #3 an airplane ride. You know, when you lie on your back and lift the kid in the air with your feet. Well, she dropped her Bakka (her teddy from Aunt Shannie as well as her woobie). I said, "Aw, you dropped Bakka." The child gets a most satisfied grin and says, "No, I didn't." She caught Bakka with her toes! Her toes people!

We have a baby Viking Ninja! Yeah Baby! Fear us, for we have spawned children who could rule the planet by use of their toes only! (There it is....there's the drama. Found it.)

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Don't Say That!

Okay, here you go.  A list of things you shouldn't say.  Why?  Because you can bet your boots that saying them will only bring pain or humiliation.  It's just the way it is.

1)  If you are in any kind of situation where you are in a hurry or might possibly be in the woods in high heels, never say, "I'll be right back."  There is gonna be an unforseen and most unavoidable delay if you're in a hurry OR a guy with a chain saw if you're in heels.

2) Don't say "Could it get any worse?"  Yes.  Yes, it can.  Do not challenge fate.  She will come at you, Bro.  She's got a knife in her boot, and she knows where your hinie is.

3)  "Lord, give me patience."  He will not give you that.  He will give a reason to practice patience which is much, much worse.  No. NO.

4)  Never say never.  If you do, be prepared to do just that.  You'll never marry a nerd?  Ha!  You will walk down the aisle with a guard of Stormtroopers hailing you with the light sabers they've stolen from fallen Jedi knights during a LARP.  Just you wait.

5)  Unless you have a death wish or the desire for great bodily injury, do NOT say "Hey y'all!  Watch this!"  They will watch.  It will be so sad, painful, and hard not to laugh at.  Just...yeah, don't do that.

6)  All non-parents, do not say, "I'd never let my kid...."  You have no idea what you're saying because you have no idea what parenthood is.  Just shut your pie hole.  You will go from arrogant, judgy-judgerpants to a really sweet person who understands that parents aren't perfect.  So easy.  All you have to do is shut up!  And then, when you let you kid do that thing you swore you'd never let them do, you're not a hypocrite.  Bonus!

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I got for now.  I will say this:  You rock!  Remember that and pass it on.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Quick and Simple

So I've lost 2 more pounds so yay!  I would like to see a bigger loss, but it's better than nothing.

Our current menu selection
Also, I've discovered that I really do dislike cooking.  True story.

 To cook healthy meals, it takes forever.  I'm willing to do it for the good of all.  I do, however, get most miffy when little girls won't even try the food I work so hard to make.  Are you kidding me?  At least act like I poisoned you AFTER you take a bite...man!  Rude.  It makes it harder to do things when you know you will get zero positivity for your efforts.  (There is a sermon in that somewhere.)

Basically, the girls are losing weight too because I'm only cooking one dinner.  They sure have been chowing down at breakfast though. Interesting n'est pas?  I've put the really good recipes that everyone seems to like in the EAT ME section, so take a look.

I gots more FFF on the way today, so this is it for now.  I'm sure I'll have more fun and frivolity to come!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Suck It Up Sat...(a few days later)

Back at the Rabbit Trail: And seriously, how cute is this little guy? In love!

FFF this Saturday left no room for blogging. FFF= Forced Family Fun. It's when you have fun as a family even if you must do it at gun point. It's a good time.

Anyway, so I have lost 2 lbs. so far on the Weight Watchers. Not bad. I find that I really am having trouble keeping up with meals. I just don't eat. What can I say? I'm a fat chick breaking the molds of society. Well, I'm eating more now.

I'm drinking more water. I was drinking diet soda BUT studies show that drinking diet soda (due to it's artificial sweetness) tricks the brain into treating the NOT-sugar like sugar so...that's messed up.

So that's pretty much it so far. I do have a funny story for you. If you don't laugh, the terrorists win.

Sooooo I'm at the Wal-Mart when I hear my name. It's Bama Mamma with newly dyed hair, looking foxy. Now, she has not met my girls, and like every proud mother, I take this opportunity do introduce my middle child. As raise my arm to make introductions to the little girl looking at baby clothes with her back to us, she proceeds to lift her dress, put her hand in her unders and scratch her left buttock. True story. I am shocked into silence. Bama Dad sums it up by saying, "Looks like someone's got an itch." How correct and horrifying at the same time.

Nothing but class from the Easley girls....nothing but class. So proud.

A quick peek into the Inside Joke Jar: Bird!

So anyway, that's it for this week. I'll let you know about week two in my adventures of WW.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

It Seems So Easy...

I realize that blogging is vanity.  I mean really.  Stop your life, and check out mine.  I just can't help myself though.  The less therapy I have to pay for, the more shoes I can buy.  Besides, I love to write and encourage people.  I'm not the only one with crazy out there.  Together, we can all laugh and get through it to the next zany adventure.  Hey, I'm a sanguine...it's fun or bust baby.

I'm also woman.  A woman who likes bling, glitter, hot pink and bows with feathers.  Heck yes.  Ipso Facto:  I want my blog to be pretty.  Much easier said then done.  So be patient if things looked rather cracked out.  I could have Bear just do it for me, but I want to learn how to do this myself.  Learning keeps you smart you know.  If you have any tips or ideas, please leave comments.  I'm up for any and all suggestions.

Friday, April 6, 2012

'Fess Up Friday

"Can he see us?"
Okay, so I've been called out on the fact that I have not been suckin' it up on Saturday.  I could say I've been busy with kids, life rockin' and rollin' and whatnot.  All true.  I have been busy, but I've also been hiding.  I have nothing to report.  Nothing is happening.  Not weight lost.  In fact, I've gained some.  Craptastic.

 So the same o'l same ol' ain't working.  I blame age and the internet.  The internet because isn't it responsible for everything?  I think I saw the internet shop-lifting at Wal-mart forcing them to drive up price for us law abiding citizens even.  Age because I'm comfortable with me.  I like me.  I'm cool with being fat.  The problem is all the problems that come with being fat the longer I am fat.  I'm NOT comfortable with heart problems, joint issues and weight related diseases.  So once AGAIN, the consequences keep me from doing what I really want to do....danged sense of responsibility for my actions!

If I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm gonna keep getting what I got so I gots to do something new:  today is the day I sign up for Weight Watchers On-line.  Why?  Because while I'm comfomy with my jiggle:  I'm not okay with not being able to hang out with my grandkids.  I'm not okay with that article that said I'll be fat forever (see previous posted rant for more info on that).  I'm not okay with my girls seeing me quit when it comes to my health.  I'm not okay with back fat.  I don't have that yet, but let's just nip it the bud shall we?

Suck It Up Saturdays are back on.  Team Me is back in business.  Join me on Team Me and I'll make you a shirt with your reason for fat eviction.  Let's get un-comfy people.

Friday, February 17, 2012

It's Not the Shark You Can See, It's the One You Never Saw Coming


True Story. A Bit o'Back Story: My eldest children are under the ESE umbrella of Autistic Spectrum Disorder. #1 is under it because she still needs help with speech and testing. #2, well, #2 is a whole different picture.

At home lately, she's been using more words than jargon, expressing her feelings more, saying what the problem is rather than pitching a fit, being more physically affectionate and having actual conversations with her sisters and with us. I'm thinking, "Wow. Look at all this improvement." Dun Dun "This is so great." Dun Dun Dun Dun "She's actually communicating." Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun "She must being doing great at school." Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun "What's the music? AHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHHHH!" Chomp. Chomp Burp.

At school, #2 has been doing none of her work, defying teachers to the point of kicking them, she's woefully behind and refuses to do anything unless she wants to do it so says her teacher when she called this morning. Now, I have been getting notes home that say things like "#2 said no a lot today." Okay. I say, "You need to do what your teachers say and don't tell them no." She says, "Okay Mom. I will." If I get another note the next day, she loses a privilege, and then she has a good day the next day. I had no idea things had gotten to this point.

While yes, she she shouldn't tell her teacher no (and obviously, much more), I'm at a loss. How do I correct behavior I don't see at home? How do I address things that happened hours ago by the time she gets home. Sometimes she knows what I'm talking about and other times she has no clue why I'm griping. It's so frustrating.

Back at the rabbit trail: I seriously pray for everyone I know who is pregnant to have children that can communicate normally because this is crappy. Not being able to communicate with your kid normally s-u-c-k-s. It just does, and sometimes the only thing that makes it tolerable is the fact that it isn't terminal.

At home, I see nothing but improvement upon improvement, and to get a call that it's all going to hell in a handcart at school...bless America! There are NOT enough squirrels in the world to kick. I'm pissed and frustrated to tears and all I want to do is eat pizza. I'm pretty sure that's not really going to help anything though. I feel as if I'm being asked to solve a math problem with a blindfold on. "We know you can't see the problem, but we really need an answer. Can you solve this for us?" I know there is only so much the teachers can do. I'm not blaming anyone. But guess what? There is only so much I can do too! And if I was tailing her around the school, there is a very good chance she wouldn't act that way because I was there so I don't even know if shadowing her to see what she's doing would help. I don't know what would help. I'm pretty sure that throttling her when she gets off the bus today is a short term solution and counter productive to a long term goal, so I'll refrain though currently it seems like a really good idea. In fact, it's all I got in my bag of tricks right now.

So let's sum up today's drama in a tidy little math equation:

Angel at home + Demon at school = Mom doesn't know what the hell to do

Yup. That's about it. If you can solve this problem, please contact me as soon as possible. I'd love the answer key.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

It's Late, I'm Gonna Throw You a Bone


Okay people. Rule of thumb: think about what you're going to say before you say it. I'm just saying it's a good idea. I keep running into people who seem to have forgotten that just because you think it, doesn't mean you have to say it. You are ALLOWED to keep certain thoughts to yourself. True story. Let me give you some for instances.

If you meet someone who of an ambiguous origin, don't just throw one out there. Don't just make one up. If you can't tell if their ancestors came from Egypt or Mexico, um, ask them. People are not offended at most questions. They are offended at most assumptions.

Conversely, if you are of an obviously of a certain background, don't automatically assume every question has to do with your background. If someone asks you if you like beer more than whiskey, don't just assume they're making a reference to your being Irish and that all Irish people are big drinkers especially if the the question is in relation to the current conversation. They could be just asking because they brew beer as a hobby. I had a suite mate in college who had a friend that made everything I said into some negative reference to them being black. "You just said that cuz I'm black, didn't you?" "No, I was just saying your shoe is untied." True story.

Now, I have been fortunate enough to be an Army Brat, and as such, I have traveled the world and have experienced many cultures. Many people have no such luck. It's hard for fish in a small pond to understand the ways of the Great Barrier Reef. Please take all questions that end with "why do you people do that?" with a measure of grace. It's not usually a sign of malice towards you. Again, conversely, if you really can't believe that some Asian cultures eat dogs, please ask what ever that question in you mind is to yourself. Will it bring you closer to that person or push them away? Are you really wanting to know more about this practice of eating dogs or are you passively aggressively letting this person know that their people are horrible, disgusting dog eaters while trying to sound culture saavy? Seriously, think about it.

Quit asking people when they are getting married/having a baby/going back to school/blah blah blah. If you can't think of anything else less personal or less none of your business, talk about the weather. Especially the baby thing. Honestly. It's like asking people about how much sex they're going to have...seriously! Mind your own!

Also quit asking fat people or really skinny people about their eating habits. It's insulting! Stop it! Not every fat person lives on Coke and donuts. Not every skinny person has an eating disorder. Maybe they have a sickness that makes them gain weight or not able to gain weight. You don't know. Mind your own! Honestly!

And finally, people are going to say dumb stuff to you. They just are because everyone does stupid stuff sometimes. Just look at the fruit. Are really trying to be nasty or are they just uneducated about the subject at hand? Once again, think before you speak. If you're afraid you might have verbal diarrhea, just go home and google and/or Wikapedia that thing you just must know. Then, you appear wise for saying nothing as opposed to an idiot who can't stop talking. And it's 2 am. Jen's out. Peace!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Oh. My...Do I Really Have To Do This?

Okay, so Happy 35 years to me...the washing machine broke. I've been spending my last few weeks looking for places to wash dirty knickers and researching washers because that's just what a woman wants. A new washing machine to clean more messes she didn't make. I am convinced that the reason June Cleaver wore pearls and heels while she cleaned wasn't because she was on TV. It was because she was drunk from her bridge club's secret drinking game: a shot for every pair of streaked boxers you find. She lived in a house of men...d-r-u-n-k. So, the velvet shirt is dirty. The jeans are the same. I am in Target not my dining area, but I am still hot so it counts. Thanks to the food journal, I discovered that I don't eat much AND I don't drink either. I mean, I should be wasting away but no. My body should be on an episode of Hoarders. "Here is some baby fat I found from some other woman's pregnancy. No sense letting good baby fat just disappear. It should be displayed on Jen's badonkydonk for all to see. Over here is my neighbor Mr. Danish. If any other Danish enters Jen's body, he lets them stay with 'im right there on Jen's inner thighs. Lumpy ain't it?" Conclusion: I really do need to eat and drink more so my body with lose weight properly. Does that sound Twilight Zone to anyone else?

Enough about why I'm fat and on to today's drama. It involves me and a dead thing. (Insert your favorite dear-me-I-am-so-grossed-out sound effect here)

I call the dogs in from the yard. Chloe the older dog comes. Tinsel the puppy does not. I go searching. I take about five steps, look down and scream. There is a body in the yard...a bunny killed by dogs body. I do what every girl does. I take out my cell phone and call Bear. (Yeah, he's in the house about 50 feet from where I'm standing but this kind of freak out can only be done over the cell in the back yard....obviously.) It should now be noted that Bear hurt his foot and might possibly need to go to the doctor if it's not better tomorrow. He says "Get the shovel." Thank you Sir Galahad. I, the squeamish over scraped knees girl, will pick up the dead thing. No problem. (Understand that he really can't walk. He really cannot help me, so he's not being a donkey. Men should note that this doesn't matter to girls. We still want you to pick up and dispose of all things dead no matter your physical state. It's not right, but it is what it is.) So I'm miffy now. I get the shovel. How can this get worse? It's already dead, right? As I start to dig under the little guy, it becomes clear that he's not in one piece. Technically, he is. I mean, there's that piece of whatever bunnies are stuffed with holding the two pieces together. Oh the joys. I'm trying to dig without looking. I finally get all of him on the shovel and over the fence he goes.

But he's not gone.

He's stuck on the wisteria vines growing over the fence and I CAN'T KNOCK HIM OFF! I just start laughing. It's really gross and hilarious at the same time. I mean honestly! What else can I do? So this is the bunny. My hilarious horror for just for you. The brown, fluffy horror....now I really can't eat anything.

Monday, January 23, 2012

From the Heart of a Bear


For some reason today, I have been obsessed with waterfalls: their meanings, looking at them, surrounding myself with their imagery, recalling their sounds. I've been having a crappy morning, internally frelled up. I told my wife that I'm so anti-social today that I don't want to see people, talk to people, heck, I don't even want to LOOK at pictures of people. Maybe that prompted my search for scenery and then specifically images of waterfalls on the net. I came up with attached image along with half a dozen others like it. I wish I could just sit with my back against a rock and fall asleep listening to that scene. Places like this are happy places for me. So I decided to look for waterfall symbolism and what they mean... yeah, after finding crap on a new-age "find your medium" sites, Chinese tattoos and dream symbolism, I scrapped that approach and went where I should have, the Bible. I can't recall anywhere the phrase waterfall is used. A quick visit to biblegateway.com found that the only mention in the NLT of a waterfall is God's out-poured wrath, not the most encouraging phrase, but something that I'm feeling like is my lot right now. I didn't stop there. Tried a search for flowing water.

And the heavens opened and the Spirit of God rested upon me and my tears began to well... no waterfalls at work please. Found this passage specifically v.7:
Deuteronomy 8 - A Call to Remember and Obey

1 “Be careful to obey all the commands I am giving you today. Then you will live and multiply, and you will enter and occupy the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors. 2 Remember how the LORD your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commands. 3 Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.4 For all these forty years your clothes didn’t wear out, and your feet didn’t blister or swell. 5 Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the LORD your God disciplines you for your own good.
6 “So obey the commands of the LORD your God by walking in his ways and fearing him. 7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land of flowing streams and pools of water, with fountains and springs that gush out in the valleys and hills. 8 It is a land of wheat and barley; of grapevines, fig trees, and pomegranates; of olive oil and honey. 9 It is a land where food is plentiful and nothing is lacking. It is a land where iron is as common as stone, and copper is abundant in the hills. 10 When you have eaten your fill, be sure to praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you.
Most of the images that caught my eye this morning are like this... flowing streams and pools of water. Guess I'm not as broken as I think I am. Dang... I need a tissue

Saturdays Just Don't Seem To Be Working...

Man, this shirt...there is a reason it's an undershirt. I just can't seem to get to writing about all this on Saturday. It's like I'm on red alert all day.

So I spilled juice all over my shirt thus the new one.

And once again, so annoying, Mom is right (she almost always is) and I'm going to start a food journal. I was busted by Vic the Victorious not eating again. I'm not starving on purpose, but it's still not okay. So onward and upward.

Friday, January 20, 2012

I Can't Find My _________


Fill in the blank. For me, it's sanity, more time and the Vortex of Missing Socks. For my kids, it's anything they want right now that they can't find immediately. It's maddening. What are the things they ask for the most? The things for which they are responsible! It's as if saying, "Now this is your responsibility." really means, "Now this is your responsibility...unless you can't find it, and then, I will drop everything I need to do to find it for you." My word, it's like you say one thing, but all they hear is the opposite. My responsibility = you do it for me. That'd be a no.

It's like when you say, "Timmy says Mommy now!" when your friends come over, and Timmy just stares at you the entire visit with a look that clearly states "I'm no trained pony, Woman! Say Mommy yourself." And as soon as your friends leave, he smiles and says, "Mommy!" Or when your friend says, "Can you believe my son tried to make a bike ramp to jump his bike to the roof?!" And then you say, "Are you serious? Timmy has never tried anything like that." just in time for Timmy to go flying by the window out of the homemade cannon he just made out of household products and duct tape. Honestly! Why kids gotta make you a liar?

Back at the rabbit trail: If your kid really can make a cannon out of household items and duct tape, your kid is AWESOME! and my kids are so allowed to play with them.

As for the search of the missing _______, I don't have the patience because it ran off with my sanity. They lost it. They can find it. If they can't, oh well! I'm looking for my own stuff. Jen out! Peace! (Do people even say that for real anymore? I know I don't.)

Wrote This Yesterday


As I write this, the good people of Gulf Power are replacing the power pole outside of the house leaving without power for the next two hours. There goes my Once Upon a Time TV date with Bear. Back at the rabbit trail: Did they have to kill off Grant? He had the coolest accent on the show. Man!

Bear suggested I take the car and go somewhere which was a sweet suggestion. However, the idea that I can't stand to be without power for 2-3 hours unsettled me. I mean, I'm outdoorsy---ask the rescue dog.

Actually, it's not about being one with nature. It's about being so spoiled by the emenities of modern culture that no power equals the end of life as I know it. No On-line games? No laundry that I can throw in the wash and forget about? Wash my dishes by HAND? No FriendFace?! What will become of the world if they don't get my status updates?! Merciful Heavens! Why?! (Wow. That was dramatic.) Yeah. I don't want to be that person.

So instead of typing this out at the desk and posting, you be reading my third draft. The first was written using an ancient method known simply as pen and paper. I wrote it on the back porch sitting in a sunbeam while listening to birds and Chloe the Dog bark at the power guys. Not a bad way to start the day. Sans power may not be convenient, but at least I don't have to pluck my own chickens. (That's what I tell myself when I'm feeling whiney) Now, I'm gonna read some Failing Forward by John Maxwell. If the the power is still out when the girls get home, I think I'm gonna make them wash some clothes by hand because satellite is pricey, but this kind of drama is legal and free. Shameless.

(P.S. The power was on an hour before the girls got home. Next time....)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sassafrass Sunday



I'm sexy and I know it. Bear dared me to use this one this week. I know I'm sitting in the car not standing. Trust me. The lumps are the same. So the body remains unchanged, but I think I may have hit on some of my weight loss pot holes. And yeah, I really did hit them.
1) Man I love soda. Gotta stop drinking those calories.
2) I think I'm hot no matter how fat I am. I embrace my inner fluff, and I can't help it that fluff is good-looking. It genetic. Seriously, all the ladies in my family are fantastic. Just ask them.
3) I under eat. I just forget, or I get busy. My fat cells are all, "Dig in Reatha! We're in here for the long haul!" My body thinks it's never gonna eat again, so it clings to my thighs like a co-dependent roommate. I never had one of those, but I've seen that Lifetime movie, so you know it's real. Basically, I have to get better about eating regular meals not just random snacks. Truth is, for a fluffy fox, I don't really eat that much. I just don't eat properly.

So now that I'm seeing some things I need to work on, it can only help. I need to see if I can get an update for Team Me on the Biggest Loser. Anyone know?

So, back to work for me, and have a super fun day off if you got one tomorrow.

Monday, January 9, 2012

My Bad Monday...sorry!



Here it is! Sorry! I was actually out of the house all day Sat. with some AWESOME people (I didn't get permission to use their names so we'll call them Bama Mamma, Bama Babe and Bama Boy), I didn't get home in time to take the photo---thus My Bad Monday. So, I'm limiting myself to 1 Coke a week. I'm walking the dog every 30 minutes for house breaking purposes. I'm also doing various workouts for 45 minutes 3x a week to 5x a week. Let's see how she goes. And she's gotta go because of the following:

I was invited to a Simply Said party at Bama Mamma and Bama Babe's house. Seriously great and funny, funny people. As soon as 3 year old Bama Boy saw me he said. "I seen you on the TV." I say, "Cool." He's a little boy, and I'm thinking he's just letting his imagination run. I tell Bama Babe, his mom, and ask her if she had been looking at my pics on Facebook. Nope. Okay. Moving on. So later on, Bama Boy again says "I see you on my TV." So I say, "Oh really? What show?"

(Wait for iiiiiiiiiittttt.....)you have to read this in the Shawn voice

"The Biggest Loser." AWESOME SAUCE! Man! I just busted out laughing. This kid was convinced I was on the show! I'm all, I'm famous and I didn't even have to leave Milton! Bama Mamma, his grandma confirmed his conviction that I am on Biggest Loser. I even got 5 points. At least I'm losing weight.

This is Emily, and she is on The Biggest Loser. She's losing weight too. Bama Babe sent me this picture and said Bama Boy pointed her out on the TV and "She was at our house." Dude, she's pretty and younger than me...winning! That kid is in the will---might only be $5, but he's in. So I am official Team Emily aka Team Me! Woo Hoo! Good luck to both of us aka both of me!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

I Am Cotton Candy Awesome Sauce

So, I'm minding my own business when 2012 rolls around. The world is still here, so I think I should make a goal or two in the New Year. Tops on the list: write more, design more, work out more and help #2 with her reading more. All good things. Then, I saw the article below.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?_r=1

Here's the cliff notes of the article: if you are fat NOW, you are more than likely going to be fat FOREVER. Nothing quite like discouragement with your coffee, is there? Sigh. A side note rabbit trail: This image was under "happy fat girl"...this chick has my dream body. She should kick her agent in the knee.

Yeah, here's the thing. I don't like people telling me I can't...I so feel my kids pain when I tell them "No." even when it is for their good. Don't tell me that just because I'm fat now that I will never be a healthy weight again. No! I refuse to let you[health expert whom I know not] tell me that all my efforts will be in vain! I want to be healthier for myself and my kids. I want to be able to run without feeling my bum shaking like a salt shaker. I want to look amazing in a slut-tastic outfit not like a funny card written for your amusement! Admittedly, I wouldn't wear the slut-tastic outfit in public or around my girls, but I still want to be able to wear it like a Trophy Wife in Vegas. I will not be told it's not possible! Tell me I destined for fatness. Butt munch doctor...I'm sure he's a wonderful person in real life--I'm just mad at him right now.

Anyway, I'm going to be starting Suck It Up Sat. Every Sat., I will put up a picture of me in the same non-slut-tastic outfit. This way, I am accountable to you and to myself. Plus, I will have visuals I can compare to see what is working and what is not. This should help. I'll also take any help-your-kid-read tips you can give me.

MEANWHILE, back at the rabbit trail: Dang it! Bear is right again! He says the quickest way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't or not to do it. I am onery... I just looked it up. Onery means bad-tempered, combative and stubborn. I needs prayer because I know that can be so true! Have mercy!

Until such time as I defluff, I shall remain happy with what am I now and take better care of what I have been given. I'm fluffy, but like cotton candy, I'm sweet, colorful and most people are happy to see me around. Haaa haaa haaaa! Man, I amuse me! Heeheeee heee!