(awkward and awesome)

(awkward and awesome)
First Wive's Club...one of Ma's favorites

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

How I Expressed My Sexual Freedom

I  bet everyone is all what is she doing now?


I've seen two blogs recently.  One on why one girl wasn't happy she waited until marriage for sex and another expressing that waiting was the best choice she ever made.  And these blogs honestly inspired me to share my story.  It might not be what you think.

If you're thinking that Jesus Freak waited until marriage for sex, you'd be right.  If you think it's all because of my belief in Jesus, you'd be wrong.

I asked my mom once, "Who has sex?"  She said, "Married people."  I think it was a short and sweet answer that wasn't a lie to make the little person to go away.  I do remember thinking, "Well, I'm not married so that's not me."

Then I got to high school, and I kinda wanted to do that thing that married people do, BUT I was completely terrified of getting pregnant the first time.  That kept my knees closed.  Then, I had classmates telling me their first time tales:  they were horror stories.  None of that sounded like fun or a good idea.  Some were so drunk, they weren't even sure it happened.  I remember thinking, "This sex stuff ain't for me."  I don't remember lying about having done it or not.  I was pretty okay with people knowing my virgin status.  It didn't seem like it should matter to them.

Probably  because it shouldn't.

Then at 17, I became a Christian.  Not supposed to have sex until marriage?  Sweet.  Now I have a built in excuse for not wanting to see you naked.  Not saying I wasn't curious or that I didn't have urges.  I was and I did.  I just wasn't willing to act on them because I knew I wasn't ready for all of what sex was going to bring to the table.

Then I went to college, and everyone was having sex.  All the time.  Everywhere.  Dorm 68 was filled with other people's genetic filth.  Yeah.  That happened.  That experience more than anything else convinced me that I wanted to wait until marriage.  Everyone was free to have all the sex they wanted, and not one of them really seemed happy or fulfilled by it.  I was free to say no to all the sex they had to offer, and I was plenty happy  and just fine.

Plus, sex is weird.  I mean, it's natural and all that, but it's way weird.  There's naked, and limbs, and awkward and messiness and where-do-you-think-you're-putting-that and...it's just weird.  Why did I have to say yes to this after 3 dates when the guy doesn't even know how I like my coffee?  I don't think so.  I didn't even want to walk in your dorm room without shoes on.  I'm not touching you naked; Goodness knows what's on  your skin.

I didn't want that kind of sex.

I didn't want to be a one night stand  and have someone use my body for masturbation. Be honest.  That's what one night stands are.  I didn't want to use someone like that either.  I didn't want to be a booty call because I wasn't worth the energy of forming a relationship.  I didn't want all the crap feelings that come with a sexual relationship that ends.  I didn't want all the crap feelings that came with having sex with someone outside of marriage when I was suppose to be a good Christian girl who waits for marriage.  Biggest shocker:  I didn't want to have a baby all by myself.   I saw it everyday.  All of it sucked.  None of it was something I wanted or needed in my life.

I expressed my sexual freedom by saying I want to have sex...but only with someone who wants to sex with me and only me.  Someone who is willing to actually know everything (especially all the crazy and there is at least  a 5 gallon bucket of that in the closet) me before doing the most intimate and weirdest thing you can do someone with me.  I wanted someone who was in it for the long haul.  Someone who is willing to wait and promise their utter devotion for life before sex.  That's a tall order.  (Good thing he's a tall guy...high five for me!)

That meant I didn't date a lot.  Of course, it also told me what guys really wanted.  Many times it wasn't witty conversation.  That's okay.  I liked knowing where I  stood even though I often stood alone.  Even though I got made fun of.   Even though sometimes it didn't feel worth it.

It was worth it.  Waiting was worth it because I have a man who would take me without sex.  He would, and I don't care if you don't believe it.  I lived up to my own standards.  I lived up to God's standards.  I was, and still am, sexually free.  Free to say no because I didn't want to.  I am now free to say I only want to have sex with my husband, and I am free to do so with said husband whenever I want to.   We have a license to practice.

Just one more thing.  This is my experience.  My life.  You don't have to like or agree with my choices.  I don't have to like or agree with yours.  We can agree to disagree.

 Just don't expect me to celebrate your slow descent into Hell.

I'M JUST KIDDING!  Although, some of you might think this is how I think.  Not true.

In reality, your sex life is between you and God.  Take it up with Him.  It's none of my business.  I can tell you the decisions I'd like you to make because I think they are what's best, but I can't tell what or who to do in real life.  It's not my life.  It's yours.  You have to answer for it, not me.  And truth be told, I honestly don't want to know the details.  Just know that I love you no matter what.  True story.  You know what else is true?

Waiting is worth it.