Don't Say That!

Okay, here you go.  A list of things you shouldn't say.  Why?  Because you can bet your boots that saying them will only bring pain or humiliation.  It's just the way it is.

1)  If you are in any kind of situation where you are in a hurry or might possibly be in the woods in high heels, never say, "I'll be right back."  There is gonna be an unforseen and most unavoidable delay if you're in a hurry OR a guy with a chain saw if you're in heels.

2) Don't say "Could it get any worse?"  Yes.  Yes, it can.  Do not challenge fate.  She will come at you, Bro.  She's got a knife in her boot, and she knows where your hinie is.

3)  "Lord, give me patience."  He will not give you that.  He will give a reason to practice patience which is much, much worse.  No. NO.

4)  Never say never.  If you do, be prepared to do just that.  You'll never marry a nerd?  Ha!  You will walk down the aisle with a guard of Stormtroopers hailing you with the light sabers they've stolen from fallen Jedi knights during a LARP.  Just you wait.

5)  Unless you have a death wish or the desire for great bodily injury, do NOT say "Hey y'all!  Watch this!"  They will watch.  It will be so sad, painful, and hard not to laugh at.  Just...yeah, don't do that.

6)  All non-parents, do not say, "I'd never let my kid...."  You have no idea what you're saying because you have no idea what parenthood is.  Just shut your pie hole.  You will go from arrogant, judgy-judgerpants to a really sweet person who understands that parents aren't perfect.  So easy.  All you have to do is shut up!  And then, when you let you kid do that thing you swore you'd never let them do, you're not a hypocrite.  Bonus!

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I got for now.  I will say this:  You rock!  Remember that and pass it on.