And Now I Know

Something has been missing in my life, and I figured out what it is. It's this.  It's just writing about about what's going on in my life.  Apparently, it's part of my self care.  I am going to make Friday my check in day.  Tuesday will be craft day.   Maybe you'll be inspired.  Maybe you'll be inspired to pay me to make it for you too.  That could happen.  You never know.

So.  Today ain't so great.  I'm not dead, so I'm not done.  I am adrift in Tween Lake, and I can very much hear the Shrieking Eels swimming below.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I fell out of the boat.  I don't know why I can't seem to get through to my kid.  To sum up:  I don't know the $#%^$ I'm doing, and it's really freaking me out.

I have Jesus on speed dial.  He talks me of the ledge all day long.  Usually He reminds me that murder is on the Top 10 Hey That's Really Bad list.  He uses the humor in movie quotes such as the Riddler in Batman: "If you kill 'im, he won't learn nothin'."  He uses my sister who reminds me that blood stains never really go away and do I really want that kind of clean up because no one else will pick it up.  It's going to be all me.  He uses my friends who assure me that though prison might have cable, they have really bad arts and crafts.  I am almost ashamed to admit that the bad arts and crafts is what usually saves my baby girl's life.  I need to pray more.

I don't like this lake.  It sucks.  The water is cold, slimy and somehow feels like failure.  I know how amazing she really is.  I wish she could see what I see.  I wish she knew how beautiful, smart, creative and funny she actually is without trying so hard to be cool.  I'm just trying so hard to hold my head above water.  Just do a girl a solid and pray for us.  We need it.

I'm hoping next week will bring back the Pollyanna Jen we all know and love.  Right now, I'm going to Zumba on the Wii even though they judge you so harsh...so harsh.

 Have a great weekend and know that I haven't lost hope.  I will never lose hope that my children will end up on the right path somehow, some way, some day.  They are my heartbeats.  That's probably why it hurts so much when they stop dancing and start stomping.  It's a very good thing Jesus is my breath.  Though my heart my crack, with Him breathing life in me every second of every day, it won't stop.  It will beat on.  I will always love them.  Even in these unfamiliar and dark waters.